'Deal Breakers'

For this post I am borrowing a classification from the illustrious Tina Fey, who I unfortunately identify closely. In this case, though, I'm not talking about relationship deal breakers. Frankly, I have no idea what those would be as the only thing that really takes someone out of the running at this point in my life is their species (but at the rate I'm going, it's only a matter of time until I begin to develop some pretty close and tender relationship with a trove of cats, who I will lovingly refer to as 'the kids' as we eat tuna and watch Wheel of Fortune together). At any rate, for this post I've got a list of characteristics that have been causing me a great deal of frustration and distress. As a result of dealing with these unfortunate personalities I have decided it would be better for my mental wellbeing to just turn around when I meet anyone with the following traits.

1) People who "don't watch t.v.": Not people who rarely watch t.v., as I understand - I am not a fan of sitting mindlessly in front of a t.v. set for hours. No, I'm talking about the peopel who go out of their way to inform you that they don't watch television, that it's a waste of time, that it rots their brains or (good lord, this is the worst) it's turning us all into homogenous advertisment-obeying bleeting sheep nation. It's no longer an entertainment vessel, it's a moral issue. With the latest season of Lost I've been experiencing this more and more often. It has done nothing but allow me to realize that we will have very little in common and I will not enjoy the conversation to come. (Trust me, I don't want to talk about NPR or the 'lost art of communication.' Let's just nip this friendship in the bud.)

2) Use of 'lol' 'bff' 'lmao'...etc. Any abbreviation that I'd need to look up online. It's just not worth my time to decipher that drivel. Listen, I'm not in the navy for a reason. Morse code? No thank you.

I will also include in this category people who use these abbreviations ironically. Eventually the line blurs and becomes a part of their normal vernacular, thus defeating the whole irony concept.

3) Chronic pessimists - i.e. miserable people. If 90% of your communication is acidic, just stop speaking. It's that simple.

4) Anyone who talks so much that they don't noticed that I've stopped listening to them. If I wanted a monologue, I'd read some Shakespeare, at least then I can be pretty confident that I won't hear every detail of your trip to the dentist last Wednesday. I will bundle in this category 'people who don't understand the concept of a conversation.' (i.e. a back and forth, not just using a period when another person is speaking as an opportunity to catch one's breath). I will often test to see if I'm in a conversation with this sort of person by injecting a sensational fact or fictional hypothetical (If you found out Johnny Law was out to get you for a felony that you didn't commit, would you run, or lay your trust in the justice system?) and gauge reactions (I've done that to my boss once and she literally just disregarded the comment and kept on describing every gruesome detail of her carpel tunnel surgery to me). I have yet to come up with a graceful way of avoiding encounters like this, and I currently have too many of these sorts of people in my life.

5) People who like to talk about politics. There are two ways this can end: (a) confrontation complete with yelling, spittle flying everywhere, and possibly tears or (b) a kumbaya drum circle. I'm equally uncomfortable with either result.

I've lost steam, but I feel like this is a good character judgement short list.