I had a Larry David moment at the grocery store today.
As I was walking down the aisles I briefly glanced my friend's mother (an unbelievably chatty and all around terrible woman to run into) as I was INNOCENTLY doing my shopping. My heart was paralyzed for a minute as my blood ran cold in my veins. As far as I was concerned I was left with only two options; I could a) run at a breakneck pace to the disposable razors and attempt to slit my wrist or b) slink around the store, attempting to hide behind pyramids of canned goods, contorting myself into shelves between toilet paper and window cleaner. There was simply no way I could put myself through the brain-numbing torture that is five minutes of small talk. Sure, that would have been the mature, "right" thing to do. I just. I just couldn't. I just couldn't put myself through it.
I was in that grocery store nearly forty-five minutes longer than I needed to be. It was a nerve-wracking 3/4 of an hour punctuated by flashes of fear when I spotted the target, but I considered it a victory. A victory, that is, until I recounted the triumph to my family. Unbelievably, they considered my feat a 'waste of time' and 'terrible way to treat a person'. Yes, hiding may have taken longer than actually speaking to the woman and yes, I guess it was a little rude, but. I mean. It HAD to be done. No?
2 comments:
I completely understand how killing yourself or hiding could have seemed to be your only two options. It's a matter of principle. Were you going to allow yourself to be assaulted by that woman or were you going to take care of yourself? You made the right choice. I think LD would have been on your side as well. In fact, there is probably an episode on that very situation, no?
I agree with Emily. Lately, though, I have been doing something that is most effective. I just pretend I am being yelled at by my mother (or anyone really) on my cell phone and that I simply can't end the conversation. Just give the person the "I can't believe this crap, I would really love to talk to you" wave and matching, exasperated facial expression. Then split. I can see how this would be hard while shopping but you might have to accept the fact that right now is a bad time to shop.
Warning: don't get to close to the person because they wont be able to hear the yelling over the phone. There are complicated ways to get around this if you are willing to put in the effort.
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